


were you ever going to tell me?

by jewishbarba



Series: choices [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., M/M, Past Dorisi, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 23:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15828921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewishbarba/pseuds/jewishbarba
Summary: “My kid. My son.”“Yeah… your son.” And he knew he should have looked up at this point but he couldn’t… he wasn’t sure if he could handle the look on Mike’s face because he was almost certain it’d be disappointment, anger, or sadness. Either way, he couldn’t handle it.“Why didn’t you tell me?”





	were you ever going to tell me?

**Author's Note:**

> special thanks to @biweatherman on tumblr for reading this over for me! and for sparking my love of jewish rafael barba.
> 
> anyway... you can find me on tumblr @ rafaelscarisi

Should he say something? He should, he knew he should but he didn’t. No, he continued to stare across the table at Michael Dodds, his old college boyfriend, and drum his fingers against his coffee cup.

“So… you’re a dude now… but your name is still Sonny,” the words were spoken very slowly, as if Mike was saying it aloud as a way to process it all. And maybe he was.

Sonny swallowed nervously and glanced down at the table, “yeah… that’s right,” he mumbled. His anxiety was through the roof and he was just waiting for Mike to have a negative reaction, because sometimes it took  _ processing  _ the information before the anger settled.

“And you have… a kid…”

This was the part he dreaded the most because coming out? He had done that a million times and while it never became easier to say “I’m transgender” or “I’m bisexual”, it did become easier to deal with rejection. Now… telling someone they had a kid they knew nothing about? That was… that was an entirely different ballgame and something he had never done before.

“My kid. My son.”

“Yeah… your son.” And he knew he should have looked up at this point but he couldn’t… he wasn’t sure if he could handle the look on Mike’s face because he was almost certain it’d be disappointment, anger, or sadness. Either way, he couldn’t handle it.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

There was a short pause and he slowly peaked up at Mike, nervous and half-afraid of what he’d see, but Mike’s face was expressionless - guarded. “I…” he trailed off, shaking his head and looking back down at the table.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”  
“I…” Sonny drew in a shaky breath and forced himself to meet Mike’s eyes, and he felt awful and guilty but even now - nearly six years after the fact - the voice of William Dodds echoed in his head: _Mike’s engaged. If you tell him now it’ll ruin his life, his career. Do you want to ruin his career because you couldn’t keep your legs and mouth shut?_

“Sonny? Were you?”

There seemed to be hope in Mike’s eyes, and he didn’t know what he was hoping for. “No, Mike, I wasn’t,” and just like that - the hope was gone and it was replaced with anger, disappointment.

“I know we had… we had ended things but… you could have told me and I would have been there for you,” Mike began with a sigh, rubbing his hand across his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

_ I tried to. I wanted to.  _ “You had just started that job with the Anti-Crime Unit and a baby didn’t really work into into that.” Sonny averted his gaze, focusing on a droplet of coffee, “and you had started dating again… so I… uh… knew a baby wouldn’t fit in there, either.”

“I deserved a choice,” he knocked his fists against the wooden table and huffed out a laugh as he stood up, beginning to pace the kitchen, “you took that away from me, Sonny.”

“I’m sorry-”

“Sorry for what? For not telling me or for getting caught?”

_ Both _ . He wrapped his hands around his coffee cup to keep them from shaking, “Rafael and I moved back to New York a month after graduating from Harvard. Uh… at this point I was three months pregnant and I, uh, I went to your house.”

Mike glanced over at him, “what, you stood on my porch for five minutes before chickening out?”

“I didn’t chicken out… your dad told me I’d ruin your career and life, and… I’d never get a job as a detective or prosecutor if I told you.” Sonny tightened his grip around the cup, shrugging slightly and dragging in a shaky breath, “working at Target wasn’t a viable option and neither was moving back into my parents house.”

Mike rolled his shoulders, tapping his knuckles against the counter, and Sonny could tell he wanted to say something - argue that Sonny could have said something without Dodds Sr finding out. “What’s his name?”

“His name is Simon… Simon Michael,” he hesitated before standing up and moving toward Mike, removing his wallet and a family photo as he did, “here’s our annual holiday photo.”

“Simon Michael Carisi - it has a nice ring to it.” A small smile pulled at Mike’s mouth as he stared at the photo, “can I meet him?”

“It’s actually, uh, Simon Michael Barba and… uh… yeah… he should be getting home-” he stopped himself when he heard the front door open, “he should be home now.”

As soon as he said this, a shaggy dark-haired boy came bounding into the kitchen and dragging their dog behind him. “Dad! Look at Stitch!” Sonny glanced at their dog, who was wearing an orange kippah and looking happier than a drunk Rafael, “he’s wearing a kippah like me and papa! And papa bought Milo a kippah, too, but he called it a kitpah.”

“Get it? Milo’s a kitten so… kitpah?” The grin Rafael wore faded when he entered the kitchen and saw Mike. “Oh… I didn’t realize you were… here.”

“Papa? So, that’s… uh… that’s you?”

He didn’t miss the way Mike’s voice cracked or how he seemed on the verge of crying, and guilt immediately washed over him. “Uh, Simon… I want you to meet, uh, Mike.” Should he introduce him as ‘uncle’ Mike? Or should he admit Mike was Simon’s dad?

Before he could say anything, Mike kneeled on the ground in front of Simon, a sad grin on his face. “Hey, buddy. I’m, uh, a friend of your dad’s, and you look great in your kippah,” he paused and glanced up at Sonny, “maybe I’ll get you one for your birthday.”

At this, Simon lit up. “My birthday is December 6th. Can you get me a dinosaur kippah? Or a Paw Patrol kippah? Or- or a Spiderman one?” Simon was shaking with pure excitement and he continued on with a list of themed kippot he’d love, “Frozen or Marvel would work, too!”

“Anything you want, buddy,” he smiled and gave him a shoulder pat as he stood, “now… what do you usually do when you get home from school?”

“Simon, grab a pack of animal crackers and apple juice, and go do your homework,” Rafael cut in with a forced smile in Mike’s direction, “and don’t tell us you don’t have homework because I spoke to Miss Mayer.”

Sonny noticed the way Mike’s jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists when Simon muttered a “yes, papa” and went to gather his snack supplies.

It wasn’t until Simon was out of the kitchen that Mike spoke. “So… who am I supposed to be for the rest of his life? Uncle Mike? Mike, your father’s friend?” He leaned against the counter, folding his arms over his chest.

“Uncle Mike has a nice ring to it,” Sonny glanced down at the floor, shrugging. “Honest answer? I don’t know, Mike. He knows he’s adopted, he knows Rafael isn’t his biological father, but he’s not ready to know you’re his father. I mean, you just met-”

“And who’s fault is that, Sonny? It’s not mine because I would have been there for him, for you, if you had just picked up the damn phone.” Mike poked him roughly in the chest, “but you didn’t pick up the phone- no, I had to find out because I saw you at fucking Target buying poptarts!”

Sonny stumbled backward, grabbing hold of the counter to regain his balance, and when Rafael moved across the kitchen he waved him off, muttering a “I’m fine, Raf.” He sucked in a deep breath, staring up at Mike with a frown, “I’m sorry-”

“You’re sorry? We’re long past sorry, Sonny!” He yelled, roughly shoving him, “my son is carrying another man’s last name and calling another man ‘papa’, and what am I?” Mike slammed his hands against Sonny’s chest, balling his shirt up, “I’m just ‘uncle Mike’! ‘One of your dad’s friends’!” He yanked Sonny toward him until they were nose-to-nose, “did you even think about my feelings? Did you think about what would happen if I found out? Or did you only think about your fucking career?”

Sonny sighed, lifting his hands to cover Mike’s, “I didn’t think about your feelings because I was… six months away from having a child and-”

“Papa, is dad okay?”

They froze when they heard Simon’s voice, and Sonny started to panic before Rafael swooped in, automatically switching into dad mode. “Simon, everything’s okay… why don’t you go to your room and watch Paw Patrol on dad’s tablet?” There was a moment hesitation before Rafael added, “and… we’ll order pizza for dinner, how about that?”

Sonny breathed out a sigh of relief when he felt his feet return to solid ground and he heard Simon give a chirpy “okay!” before fleeing the kitchen again. “I… I think you should go, Mike, before… things escalate further.”

“Fine, I’ll go,” he held up his hands in surrender, sidestepping Sonny and heading toward the hallway leading to the front door. “But… uh…” he stopped, turning back toward them, “don’t think this is over, Sonny, because you won’t keep me from my son.”

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr @ jewishbarba


End file.
